Cerenity,
	It's obvious I like you.  That's why I asked you out.
I didn't stop liking you when you said "no".  Maybe if you knew me well, I'd have had better luck but, then, a first date is a way to get to know each other well.

	How did I imagine a first date with you at the Hershey Lodge?  Well, a very, very nice place with a comfortable atmosphere,
family-oriented, and plenty of room inside to stroll and sit by fireplaces, and TALK, talk a lot about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.
I pictured us sitting around the 4-sided fireplace in the center of the lodge, talking.
"Ask me ANYTHING you want to know about me" I would say. And so we could talk and talk and talk - TRUTH OR DARE - no topic off limits.
	My childhood, adolescence, lifetime experiences, religion, thoughts and attitudes about things, including romance, relationships,
including loves I've had and didn't have and how that's shaped me.
My goals - career goals, financial goals, relationships goals and hopes and dreams, why I do the things I do.  What're my game plans?
	Same about you.  Typical stuff.  How old are you, where were you born and raised, favorite this, favorite that.  Likes and dislikes, etc.
What's your living situation? Goals? Living at home with parents or grandparents?  You with a guy?  You gay? (someone said).
How much schooling you have?  Why you working here?  What are your hopes and plans for the future?

	That was a month or so ago.  The gossip spread widely, as usual - up to the third floor cafeteria
and throughout DEX 1 and 2 and nearby sections on the second floor, and probably farther.  Since you are, in my opinion, the most attractive female in the building,
I believe people would always be curious to know if you dated, who you dated.

	Some people flashed me with warm smiles, "the world will always smile on lovers", and others with hostility "you dirty old effing man! ha ha on you!"
Some had the attitude "it's none of our business" and that's really the preferred attitude
as they can't resist watching two people go through the joys and miseries and ups and downs and dreams and breakups and make-ups.

	I told only Lafiya about me asking you out.  A person needs to talk to someone for help and opinion.  She's like a sister/best friend/pal.
But 100 people must be aware of it.  If you informed your supervisor, that would have been reasonable, and likely a company policy.
But girls take relationships naturally and you probably share the news with the your age.  Guys are different.  My attitude is it's nobody's effing business.
The supervisors probably had at least one meeting about it.  They probably considered it a crisis, at first.

	Now I consider it a crisis because I'm afraid I may have just let Happiness slip through my hands,
whether it be a mild and appropriate relationship, or a closer friendship.

*********

	Let me go back in time to August when I started here, and they had me in your aisle (on the other side of the shelves), opening mail for Vi several times.
Vi is a biological male, I think, who identifies as a woman, I think.
Well, I felt that was a test, on a few levels.  Test 1 is they hire people by looking at paperwork, asking references and an interview.  After hiring, they want to actually see
how we are on a daily basis, even when given a simple little task.  Test 2 was Vi and how would I act when encountering a male who identifies as a female?
Test 3 was all the young chicks in that aisle (I remember walking down that aisle where there's 3 or 4 young girls in cubicles and they were giggling and
acting like preteens and hugging each other and smiling at me.  "THIS is an obvious test of my behavior", I thought and later on I told that to one of them).
AND THEN THERE WAS YOU.  The first time I remember seeing you was during a fire drill, and just as the fire drill began Camilla introduced me to you all
so you would all be sure to know who I was (they haven't done that with other new hires - was I a special case?  Yes, I think).  When we spilled outside and headed down the street
toward the parking lot, my instincts were to head towards you and chat you up.  I'm seeing you and thinking "damn! She's the cute one in the building!
"But then, the same thought with THE GIGGLING, HUGGING GIRLS "SHE'S A TEST!"

	So I figured with all the effort to get a job, and with my reputation at stake, I needed to stay away from you completely and never go near you, and that's what I did.
But I got closer to you and saw you were nice and friendly at the Halloween Party, and then you made that comment at the door about "practical", the first time you spoke to me.
and I guess I thought that I had proven myself as a gentleman like Mr Rogers over a period of 4 months, so I wanted to get to know you more.
So, I thought of the hand-sticky stuff as a conversation starter, and then I was thinking about karaoke places and searched
and saw the description of The Hershey Lodge with a fire wall and I checked it out when I was at Staples in Hershey
and I thought it would be an ideal place for a comfortable, pleasant first date.
	The rest, as they say, is history and an aching, breaking heart.  I don't want to "lose" you.  So, being honest that my infatuation is strong
(like, you know, big crush, falling in love kinds of feelings), I hope we can talk.  I don't want to have to leave the State right now
and I'm hoping we can have a friendship that lasts.

	I hope we have a friendship starting that we can manage well.  I think all the articles say don't have an office crush and keep it out of the office if you do.
To respect your private space at your cubicle, I've gone back to the policy of "stay away", 
So, I asked Lafifa, my sister/pal to help me, "Would she PLEASE give you my number and MAKE IT VERY, VERY CLEAR TO YOU that I would LOVE to communicate with you,
I have to avoid anything that they could say appears like harassment, so any communication with you has to be CLEARLY with your permission and approval.
	But Lafifa said "no, give it up" even though a few days earlier she was holding my wrist and "hinting" by walking me towards your cubicle.
So, this is the confusion from hints.

	So anyway, I consider a friendship with you to be such a special prize that I don't want to give up so easy.
Frustrated with Lafifa, yet certain that I should not approach you in the building, I couldn't hold it in and I started making web pages to express myself to you.

	"All I want for Christmas is You!" and Frank and his daughter Nancy Sinatra's "Something Stupid" seemed to express the situation at first.

	Then, after apparent hints of encouragement, I walked past your cubicle on a Friday for a "reality check".  
You didn't respond negatively, but then I had two visual "encounters" with you in the aisles - one I think was that same Friday after closing,
and another the next week when you were dressed like you were going out - bright, white colors.

	I responded to the first visual encounter that Friday after work by freezing in my tracks.  You were walking toward me, so I waited to see
if you'd walk to me or walk past me.  Of course, as you know, you turned left and went back to your cubicle.  It's hard to read non-verbal communication like that.
It could be you were on assignment, like I talked about Vi and the girls in the aisle, to see if I would pursue you, follow you, or leave you alone.  I left you alone.
Then you appeared behind me in the hall and in the stairs and when I stopped to wait for you near the bottom of the stairs, apparently you stopped too.  Also, it seemed
you were holding a phone to your mouth which could mean many things.  You're signaling that you're interacting with someone else, likely.  It could have been
other things, or even a hint to me that I should use a phone to talk to you rather than walking by your cubicle.

	I think it was the next week that I encountered you visually as you walked down the hallway, crossing in front of me from a distance.
The sight of you looking fine, dressed bright like to go out on a date got to me and I didn't know whether you wanted me to yearn for you more,
or whether you were signaling that you were going out with someone else at that moment.

	Another issues is that without talking to you and asking, I don't know how old you are, how much you've dated (a lot I would guess based on your looks)
and whether you dated more than one person.  In that case, it would be reasonable to try to book a reservation for a date lol.

	After that second visual encounter, my heart ached that I wished and hoped it was for me that you were putting on "going out" clothes.
So that's when I expressed myself with this web page,
with the clear message that just seeing you makes me weak.  Damage done.  Too late.  Smitten.  Can't "unsee" you.

I Fall To Pieces

	I seemed to get a lot of positive hints from the gossiping crowd and I guessed that my choices in "I Fall To Pieces" went over well with you, and others.
But I was burnt out emotionally and I wanted you and me and everybody to calm down, because apparently then it was accepted that I have a crush for you,
and no need to bring out the swat team over that, or expect me to bring out powerful emotional videos every weekend,
so I just expressed the situation as I felt it last weekend by putting up a glowing heart and a cute gif
And the only music was the amazingly calm and relaxing theme from "A Summer Place".

Heart On Fire

	Then for a few hours before sleeping Sunday, I livened it up with the fun and humorous "Opposites Attract"  No drama there.

*********

	Anyway, when I came in yesterday, Monday morning, I don't know if it was me, but I was getting chilly vibes on that chilly day.
I think it was two of your friends from DEX, and Bri had a look in her eyes that "could kill"
	Did I do something wrong?  Is it because I won't, like, turn off the switch on the crush?
Even if I could, I think it's bad to repress like that - better to find some way to express it.
	
	Is it because I was given plenty of smiles and hints last week and didn't ask you out for the weekend?
I'm afraid to talk to you at work unless there's an understanding from you about what your comfortable boundaries are.

	Anyway, looks like my car's about ready